


The Fear that Haunts Me

by YukiStudios



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hiding, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29276445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YukiStudios/pseuds/YukiStudios
Summary: “I sensed you coming…” Merlin said before turning to look at Mordred, the knight standing over him now.“Arthur’s looking for you,” Mordred said and watched as a tiny smile formed on Merlin’s face before he turned and looked away.“Probably thinks I’m at the tavern again.”“Is there a reason why you’re hiding down here?” Mordred asked the innocent question before taking a seat on the stone floor.
Kudos: 40





	The Fear that Haunts Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first Merlin fan-fiction posted here so I apologies if something has gone wrong. I'm not used to publishing anything here. So the tags may be very...limited.

"MERLIN!" Arthur yelled the name of his manservant as he stormed through the castle walls. How many times had he done this for his useless servant? He had lost count! Everyone he passed immediately moved out of Arthur's way, whenever the king was like this it was best to stay out the way. Mordred was the unlucky victim to be grabbed by the king and slammed into the nearby wall. "Mordred, you haven't seen my useless excuse for a servant, have you?" Arthur demanded from the youngest member of the knights.

"No, sire," Mordred responded quickly and the king left him to continue his hunt. Mordred gently rubbed his shoulder and frowned slightly. Merlin was hiding from Arthur? Mordred closed his eyes and gently let his magic extend out to find where Merlin's magic was, if he could find that then he could find Merlin. It wasn't long before he felt the powerful magic of Emrys down below Camelot and started to head in that direction. He continued to follow Emrys' magic to parts of the castle he didn't know existed. It wasn't long before he came towards an unlocked gate with stairs that lead down below. Merlin was down there…withdrawing his magic back into his body he slowly walked down into the unknown.

As Mordred turned he was met with a cave, it was large and illuminated by a glowing orb but what amazed Mordred was how…empty and lonely it felt. He glanced around before his eyes fell on Merlin, the warlock was curled up on the floor with his arms wrapped around his already thin body. Mordred opened his mouth but Merlin spoke first.

"I sensed you coming…" Merlin said before turning to look at Mordred, the knight standing over him now.

"Arthur's looking for you," Mordred said and watched as a tiny smile formed on Merlin's face before he turned and looked away.

"Probably thinks I'm at the tavern again."

"Is there a reason why you're hiding down here?" Mordred asked the innocent question before taking a seat on the stone floor. He couldn't help but look around at the cave. A large open area with a large chain laying on the floor, spiderwebs decorated it. He admired the glowing orb that provided light, he knew that magic could be beautiful but whenever he saw Emrys performing or using his magic, Mordred felt blessed. "It can't be just because of Arthur."

"I come down here…to get away from everything…so I can clear my mind while still being close to Arthur to spring when needed."

"Your loyalty knows no boundaries," Mordred spoke with a smile on his face. If there was something that he loved about Merlin, it was his loyalty and how long he had been protecting Arthur without the king recognising it. Arthur was a good king and Mordred was happy to serve him as a knight but there was something he was waiting for, the ban on magic to be lifted. They were getting there slowly and that was enough for Mordred. He had overheard Arthur contemplating magic and questioned himself if magic really was evil and corrupting. If only he knew that Merlin had magic.

"I was born to serve him after all…" Merlin spoke up, pulling Mordred from his thoughts.

"It is an important job though," Mordred admitted as he looked down at Merlin. He had seen Merlin on his best days, with his goofy smile, practically glowing from happiness and pride as he looked at Arthur rule his kingdom but he felt something different now. The happiness seemed to have drained away from Merlin, his magic was now starting to reflect that mood as Mordred watched how it dimmed. Mordred slowly started to grow concerned for Merlin, they weren't friends…Merlin seemed dead set on that but he always wondered why. When they first met (when he was a child) Merlin seemed happier, his magic flared brightly and lively. Since returning though Merlin wasn't the same, he seemed…lonely. Could he ask about this? He didn't want to further push Merlin away if the man wasn't ready or simply just didn't want to.

"What was it like…?" Merlin whispered.

"I'm sorry?" Mordred asked confused.

"With the druids…what was it like?"

Mordred shuffled slightly at the question. He wasn't sure what Merlin was after with that question but he took his eyes off Merlin and looked up at the light source, the glowing orb still shone brightly and kept the pair of them illuminated. Should he tell Merlin what it was like? No, this could be the chance he needed to start to forge a friendship with Merlin.

"It was peaceful, sitting around a campfire as equals with everyone," he started as a smile was brought to his face. The many friends he made there, the family he would protect with his magic or simply showing off his magic to everyone…he was free. "Stories were told, prophecies, magic on display if no knights of Camelot were nearby. If anything that's something I do miss here. Is the feeling of being one with the nature of the forest, feeling its magic freely and welcoming it with my magic. Every step I take here, all I can fee is your magic, protecting your home." He looked down at Merlin and watched as the warlock slowly sat up and finally turned his body towards Mordred. He looked into the blue orbs Merlin had for eyes, he watched the emotions danced in Merlin's eyes. Jealousy, loneliness, fear, worry…they were all there. "Is…everything okay?" Mordred asked.

"Can…you tell me more?" Merlin asked Mordred.

"Why do you want to know?" the knight asked sceptically, unsure on Merlin's motive.

"I've lived my life…in constant fear of being found out. Even back home…I felt like an outcast because of my magic. I only had one friend there…" Merlin paused, was he ready to talk about Will to someone unconnected to those events? He shook his head. "Forget it…"

"Emrys, I will listen to what you have to say," Mordred used his telepathy with Merlin and watched as he flinched slightly at the sudden change. "Sorry…" he apologised.

"You'll just think negatively about me…" Merlin lowered his head and started at the stone beneath himself and Mordred.

"Merlin, my opinion on you won't change," Mordred tried to reassure him and hoped that Merlin took that to heart.

"There are times when…I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere…" Merlin started and immediately knew he had Mordred's attention. "Back in my village…even in a kingdom where magic was accepted I was still shunned. I was bullied because I was different, I could do so much before I could walk or even talk and I didn't see what was wrong. Mother, bless her…did her best to protect me, told me that I was special because of my magic but also told me the dangers of it, especially being so close to Camelot's boarder. In the small village, I made a friend…his name was Will. Unlike the others in my village, he accepted me, he accepted me and my magic. Every day, my magic was growing stronger and the bullying from the other children and some adults got too much. There were times when I wanted to give up my magic."

Mordred listened to the tale Merlin was sharing with him. He wasn't even sure how Merlin could remain so pure of heart after all the issues that happened in his home village. He never talked of revenge against those who did him wrong, he never talked about wanting to hurt them or even pulling any pranks on them. Mordred knew that if he was in Merlin's position he wouldn't have turned out the same. He would have wanted revenge on those who did him wrong and he had the power to prove it. Merlin spoke fondly of his mother which was probably the biggest reason why Merlin didn't turn or become 'corrupt'. Just learning these hardships Merlin had faced already, Mordred felt his desire for friendship grow more and more.

"Why did you want to?" Mordred couldn't stop himself from asking. He had never once wanted to lose his magic, it was part of him and it was part of Merlin too. He watched as Merlin shrugged but looked rather guilty, tears started to form in his eyes. "Merlin?"

"Because…at times…I though that my magic made me a monster…those thoughts got worse when I came to Camelot where magic is outlawed. I told Gaius that if I couldn't use magic…I didn't see the point in living, I saw that magic was the only thing that made me…me," Merlin started to break, they both knew it. Tears started to fall from his eyes just talking about this. Merlin frantically wiped them away but the tears just kept coming. "Living under Uther…the constant fear of execution…the constant attacks…the number of times I've saved Arthur's life…and never got the credit I deserved! If I did…Uther and Arthur would have me executed!" Merlin's voice raised, his emotions and inner turmoil overflowing the damn he had built inside himself. Whatever tension was between himself and Mordred had all but vanished.

"Merlin…" Mordred whispered. What could he say?

"I tried…to show how…beautiful magic could be…but when I tried…magic was used…to try and kill him…hardening his heart…against magic more and more…the harder it gets…to…" Merlin couldn't finish his sentence but Mordred had a feeling on what Merlin wanted to say.

Mordred moved closer to Merlin and wrapped his arms around the warlock, holding him close and smiled when he felt Merlin wrap his arms around Mordred's body, head resting on his shoulder as the tears continued to flow. Mordred gently rubbed Merlin's back and held him close. How could no one see the internal struggle Merlin was going through? No, Mordred only became aware when he felt a disturbance in Merlin's magic. Merlin suffered in silence for so long with no one to turn to who could even remotely understand what he was going through. Not even Mordred himself could fully understand but he could guess.

"Oh Emrys…" Mordred whispered as he remained where he was until Merlin was ready. "You're not a monster. As Arthur says, as the other knights say…you're the bravest of them all. They may see what you've done but the world does," Mordred continued to speak, unsure how much was actually getting through to Merlin but he had to try.

"Mordred…I'm sorry…"

"Emrys, you have nothing to be sorry for. Do you feel better though?"

Mordred felt Merlin nod and he felt relieved. Maybe it wouldn't be impossible for them to form a friendship. Merlin just made a huge confession to him, something he couldn't share with Arthur or the others…just him.

"Thank you…" Mordred smiled, he looked at Merlin's magic and noticed that it had calmed down and returned to a more relaxed state.

"There's just one issue…"

"Arthur…" Merlin slowly let Mordred go and the other was reluctant to let the warlock go but knew that he had to. Arthur was probably tearing apart the castle looking for Merlin. "I should…go…" He looked at Mordred and gave him his trademark smile.

"Merlin, you're not a monster…you never can be. Never to those you care about or those who care about you. Remember that, promise me?" Mordred looked serious at Merlin who nodded.

"Thank you…again," Merlin wiped the remaining tears from his eyes as the light started to fade from the cave.

"Maybe if Arthur ever gives you a day off we can go and visit a druid camp? We all wish to support you."

"If I know for that day I have off, no one will try and kill Arthur."

The pair of them looked at each other before they started to laugh. Mordred noticed how different Merlin looked now, he looked slightly happier and more relaxed in his presence. He watched as Merlin shot up and walked past him and up the stairs to the main castle. He had a very angry king to tend to and apologies to but from the spring in his step Mordred knew that Merlin knew how to worm his way out of trouble.

"Thank you Merlin," he spoke quietly with a smile of his own on his face before he got up and left the cave.

**Author's Note:**

> After watching a Youtube video outlining 24 reasons to ship Merlin and Mordred, I felt inspire to write this. I know that this isn't a ship story but I just really love the idea of Mordred being there for Merlin and trying to befriend him. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this story.


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